Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
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I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
why am I working on Labor Day
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
All generalizations are stupid.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE