So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
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This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
him: you鈥檙e not like most women
me: is it because I鈥檒l eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Him: I鈥檓 breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
[looks up from laptop while updating r茅sum茅]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Me: It鈥檚 the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don鈥檛 have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Shoo shoo! 馃槀
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I鈥檝e got fast-food in my hand and I鈥檓 not afraid to give it my full attention.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Breaking news:
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
If I chase you, it鈥檚 definitely with a flamethrower.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.