@livingnBoston: I remember a time when I was much younger and had an infinite supply of drugs and booze. Then some c**ksucker cut the umbilical cord.
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@themiltron: god: go to earth jesus: why god: i have a plan jesus: is it a nice plan god: it's a plan
@bobvulfov: DRUG DEALER: what'll it be man ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please [at the surveillance van] DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
@JennyJohnsonHi5: If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
@UniqueDude2: [Meeting girlfriend's parents] Me: Well Mrs. Ashford, I can see where Elle gets her good looks! <Mr. Ashford sulks the rest of dinner>