@livingnBoston: I remember a time when I was much younger and had an infinite supply of drugs and booze. Then some c**ksucker cut the umbilical cord.
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@BuckyIsotope: My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I'm going to destroy you but it turns out I've got absolutely nothing.
@ehdannyboy: Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He's outside looking forlorn. Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it's there u prick
@ilovepie84: My Boss called me immature today so I gave him a wedgie and made fun of his ugly family.
@audipenny: I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him