@JosesLovesYou: I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
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@ObscureGent: My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
@UncleDuke1969: Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up? Me: Yeah. Wife: Good. Me: Why? Wife: No reason. Me: ... Wife: ... Me: ... Wife: Here, taste this.
@lazerdoov: *bursts into starbucks* Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET Barista: yeah over there Me: oh thank god *plugs in a mechanical bull*
@1800Randy: I think abs are for guys that don't have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.