I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
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When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
This was the best day of my life