So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
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My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.