Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
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A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Good Morning.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
every. time.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]