[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
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[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
only 11 steps left
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.