I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
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Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh