I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
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*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky