If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
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tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet