Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
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wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Otters see a butterfly.
S/o to @funTweeters .
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.