I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
You Might Also Like
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
secret recipe
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
I’d use my best pan on you.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
i like to flex on them by shrugging