I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
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I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID