I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
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A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.