I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
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my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.