I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
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Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that