I remember when yoga was called Twister.
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Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.