All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
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me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt