[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
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Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!