@bingowings14: I removed Sean Connery's limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig's arms & Pierce Brosnan's legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
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@Brampersandon_: RANGER: Remember, don't feed the bears ME (being attacked by a grizzly): OH GOD HE'S RIPPING ME APART! RANGER: What did I just say!?
@meganamram: Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won't send MY dog to obedience school
@laura_payton: Registering my annual objection to Groundhog Day. We live in Canada. There will most definitely be six more weeks of winter. I don’t need a rodent to tell me this.
@dafloydsta: [marriage counseling] She thinks I'm foolish with money "He used our life savings to buy a tiger" YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN