I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
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Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Whoa 😂
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house