Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
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I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.