Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
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At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
I have obtained a hat