I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
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No chill.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
So we got a goldfish…
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu