I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
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A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks