I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
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Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY