I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
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WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet