@OhNoSheTwitnt: I reply to "Happy New Year" with "not if I have anything to do with it."
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@SteveSuckington: How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
@sirivan: Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out. He spends all day chilling in the water. His life is one big pool party.
@alldrolledup: A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON'T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
@Sarcasticsapien: Cinderella is my favorite story about women who fight over a man who doesn't even remember what a woman he spent the night with looks like.