@OhNoSheTwitnt: I reply to "Happy New Year" with "not if I have anything to do with it."
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@batkaren: I stand at airplane arrival gates with a "SAMANTHA" sign, then cry after everyone's exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
@Tups13: Don't hesitate when you come to a fork in the road. Be bold. Pick that fork up and take it home. Free cutlery!
@maurex23: "I like Trump because he isn't a politician." Right, because whenever my toilet breaks I call my electrician.