I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
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Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do