When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
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Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you