@weinerdog4life: I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
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@mattZillaaaa: [1st date] You're gonna love this place *pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
@ArfMeasures: WIFE [in labour] GOD MAKE IT STOP MIDWIFE: The baby's WIFE: NO, THE NOISE ME [stops playing pan pipes] Is the nurse being too loud, love?
@wendchymes: Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out "DEAR GOD MY BACK!"