I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
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Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!