I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
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Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not