i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
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Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else