@canadian_jane: I respect strippers because its really hard to dance by yourself and not look stupid.
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@_wangwe: Judge: Did you commit murder? Me: I'm a man. I'm afraid of commitment. Judge: hahaha! Me: hahaha! Judge: Life.
@TheCiscoKidder: Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
@goldengateblond: There's a crying baby on my bus and I'm all "shut up baby, you're not the one going to work."
@UncleDuke1969: [loud bar] Her: I have to urinate Me: What? H: Urinate M: What? H: URINATE! M: Well, YOU'RE a 10! H: Huh? No! You're like a 5. I gotta pee.