@XplodingUnicorn: I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
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@SteveSuckington: [blind date] HER: lmao! You seriously wore pajamas on a first date? ME: hey!! You're not blind!!
@MicheleAKALips: Sometimes when I'm bored I send a text to a random number saying, "ok they're dead, what do I do with the body?"
@Mr_Kapowski: Is my iPhone named Freedom? Yes Do I never pick up phone calls on it? Also yes, because as an American, I let freedom ring
@Storminika: I hate it when strangers question me. I'm with my kid, & this lady goes, 'He's cute. Who does he look like?' I'm like, 'Your husband'