I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
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*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Risking my life for fun.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
this has to be peak English
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Meeeee too!
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw