I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
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They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
happy mother’s day❤️