I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
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[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Great Canadian literature.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.