I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
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Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.