I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
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I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Good point.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot