I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
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My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
🤣😂
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…