I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
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Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)