ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
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When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
#MeanwhileinCanada
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Worth remembering.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.