Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
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oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!