I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
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[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
this has done me in for some reason
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.