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If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.