@EhhBartt: I RT a bunch of awesome stuff. nnBecause its funny. And I needed to hide my tweets from last night.
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@kumailn: "And remember to talk to everyone like they're a 3rd grader." - flight attendant manual
@david8hughes: Wife: morning Me: good morning Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that's great
@ChrisRRegan: Oh, elderly neighbor: You defeated Hitler, yet you somehow can't figure out the car alarm?
@foodfacenow: 1st Date Me: Just warning you. I get freaky. Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.? Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.