Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
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family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA