Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
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me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.