I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
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the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
selfie game
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.