@MrGeorgeWallace: I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let 'em fight that shit out.
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@AndyAsAdjective: *gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder* "Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it's done toasting?"
@Staggfilms: Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they're uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
@MattOswaltVA: saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
@TheLesbianTwin: a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!