I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
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one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Livid.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.