Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
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[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
*pronounces patio like ratio
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”