I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
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Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
That earthquake could have been an email.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.