I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
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CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.