I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
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HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
guys i’ve cracked the code
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Found the job I’m suited for
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.