I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
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In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.