I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
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What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Well, this certainly took a turn
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?