I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
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I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”